Privacy

If you wonder why my blogs are always so depressed here, it's because this is my private blog that few know of. I'm not always this depressed, but I also don't want others to know how I'm affected. It's a way for me to rationalize my actions and decide whether or not what I'm doing is right or wrong.

With the new year approaching and growing a year older, I feel as if I haven't accomplished much at all. I have become a student of life, without the ability to completely take care of myself, in all aspects of my life. I don't feel successful at all. Here I am working at a job that has failed me multiple times, yet I'm still here. I'd like to settle down sometime, but it's difficult to leave.

One day, I'll just do it.

just do it.

No, it's not fine

I know why I'm so torn, and so confused, and it's because I am HURT. I am mad at Alex for ruining my holidays. For making me feel alone on Thanksgiving. For breaking up with me before my birthday, before christmas, before the new year. I am grateful for his contributions to make my birthday enjoyable, but it doesn't get rid of the fact that HE BROKE UP WITH ME DURING THE HOLIDAYS. My favorite days of the year, ruined. I can't cope with this because I'm so mad and so angry. You can't make this up to me. You just can't, and you don't want to. This is the most selfish thing you can do, and it's apparent that you don't care. I don't want to keep this bottled in.

Let me be mad.

I have never felt more alone in my life. I guess it's natural to feel a bit depressed, but I'm in a state where I just don't know how to feel. I want to hide from everyone, and not come out of my room for months. I feel so alone. Well, one more week and then I get to see my family. I think that's what I need. I need to stay away from Alex. Being around him makes me think crazy things, and because I'm confused and hurt, I can't trust him. I can't trust my own mind either, and in order not to betray both things, I just need to keep both away from each other. I can't think rationally, and I can't happily. I just can't think.

I can't think.

Sleeping in

I've been lucky to be able to sleep in lately, but I'm also an early bird, so that term doesn't mean the same to me as it does to others. I've been sleeping earlier to get a jump start on the next day, and my ultimate goal is to be wide awake at 5AM so I can take a jog around Balboa. It feels nice to have paid off some of my biggest bills, and nicer to know that my spending habits have subsided. I'm starting to think about the responsibilities I have, and what I need to do to stay ahead of the waves of stress. I've found the best ways to keep from spending money are to walk to and from work, saving bus fare, and bringing my own lunch. I mean, sure a meal is only $3 for me at work, but the calorie count deters me from wanting to eat it. Good deals aren't always the best deals. More veggies, less meat.

With the new year I'd like to exercise more, and I plan on giving up meat entirely. I've done it before and I can do it again. I'm going to start with the Wii Fit, but leave the running to the park. Oh days off, I'll promise not to stay inside all day. I'd like to do something with my life, and it has to start with me, with now.

I've had some appalling and scary dreams lately, but they're just dreams. My favorite part of them is when the song playing on my laptop seeps into my mind, and becomes a staple of that particular dream. There's a nicer feeling.

Suffering

Things need to happen, and I always felt that suffering was imperative so we could have something to learn from. It's like every minute is a learning experience, and taking the hard road gives me a tougher skin, a sharper mind, and stories to tell my kids when they grow up. You can't always get what you want, and you can't always give people what you think they need. I think now would be a good time to humble myself. Take a walk in their shoes, and your method of communication will be so much clearer.

I need to walk more, project myself into others experiences. My customer service could be better, my management skills could improve. It's nice to have some focus.

Memories from the start

I want to remember how we started, and why it happened, and how it lasted for over a year. I've never been in a relationship that long. Maybe if you remember, you'll remember how you fell in love with me in the first place, and maybe you'll fall in love again. I try to move on everyday, but constant memories flood my mind. Ignorance is bliss, but the happiness I felt with you surpasses that.

I can be such a danger to myself. Not knowing kills me.

Esthero - I Drive Alone

Can't move on... but I can't go home
and I'm not so strong... but I'll make my way
to the place I know
inside my heart
where I used to go to get brave
and I don't want to be lost anymore.

gotta find my way back home.

I don't know where I g0 - but I know I drive alone.
I terribly miss you....
more than you'll ever know.
You've got to come back somehow.
You've got to come back somehow.

Can't move on... but I can't go home
and I'm not so strong... but I'll make my way
to the place I know
inside my heart
where I used to go
to get brave and....

December Nights

Paula and I checked out Dec. nights in Balboa for the first time this year, and it was crazily packed. Long lines for everything and vendors running out of food. I love Balboa, but I think I'd definitely rather check it out another time when there are less people. Or maybe I'll check it out in the daytime next year. Eventually I got tired of seeing so many vendors but nothing else going on. The lines for the museum were just too long. So many families pushing strollers through the crowd and couples walking around with their dogs. It was a family affair and I didn't feel right. It sort of bummed me out so I was happy to go home and enjoy some tea.

Sleepytime tea really makes you sleepy. My body is sore, and my heart is weary.

Cheers to thee.

working out.

It's a bit more difficult than it seems, especially when you don't have the drive to do so. It's too easy to be content with what you have, rather than striving for more. I did work out today, after 40 days of laziness. I'd run around Balboa but I find that I get bored. A broken i-pod doesn't help my situation either.

pish posh. excuses excuses. You can be better than this. Giving myself pep talks through a journal entry. fascinating isn't it?

warning.

Although I've made it my purpose to enjoy and celebrate the cheer of the holidays, I fear that I can be a danger to myself. When you lose your inhibitions, internal struggles can bring themselves to the limelight. As reckless as I want to be, I shouldn't. I need to show a better sense of control. I just need to find an outlet.

Let it out.

I'm okay

I know this seems rushed and somewhat bipolar, but I am okay. I just had to get it out of my system, feel the unfairness of everything that's happened to me, but now I m okay. I realized that we tried, and if it's meant to be, it will happen. As for now, I will live by the mantra that has led my life up to this point, and that is: Live one day at a time. Of course you want to plan for the future, but you've got to enjoy the time you spend at the moment. Living in the moment. That's what always made me happy, and it is what will continue to do so.

Friends will always be there for you, and there are always more things you can accomplish.

Rock Bottom

I've completely hit rock bottom. There aren't many regrets that I have, but I guess one of my biggest ones has come back to bite me in the ass. I'm so devastated, and completely heartbroken. I don't want to be alone, and this is the worst time to be alone. Birthday, Christmas, New years, the times for joy and celebration. I just can't believe it's happening to me, and I don't want it to. I try not to be selfish, but I can't handle it this time.

But I fucked up, and I guess I have to deal with the consequences. There's no easy way out of this. No one to hold my hand, no one to support me. How long am I going to keep this up? Utterly heartbroken, and it can only go downhill.

I mean, do I fight for it? Is there any sense in doing so? I've never fought for much, and I'm willing to do this, I just don't want it to be for naught. You either love me or you don't, and I can either try to find out, or passively wait for an outcome that may or may not happen.

I have nowhere to go, and this doesn't make my life any better. Sorry this post is such a downer, but my heart hurts so much and I'm running out of tears.

It's been a long time coming.

What am I going to do with myself? I guess that's what the new years are for. Re-evaluation, and starting anew.

A change is going to come. Whether I want it or not.



Billie Holiday - I'll be seeing you

Smile

I find it so difficult to get mad at the ones I love. It's hard for me to let my problems burden anyone else, and it really gets to me. It's like I'm always putting on the happy face and smiling and trying to keep things light-hearted, but when a problem arises, I keep it to my self and try to deal with it alone. I realize that it's starting to get to me, and when I decide to let anyone in on my secret, the tears just rush to my eyes and I can't stop from crying. I don't reveal myself to others that much, and I try not to cry to anyone else. Holding everything in is taking its toll on me.

I need a happy place.

Economics

I feel as though I have so much potential to thrive in this economy, yet I'm failing every day to make ends meet. I truly wish more opportunities would arise for me, and I'm in a completely dead end job. I wish it weren't dead end, and at one point it wasn't.

Every time something opens up, I've been ineligible in some way, or just don't have enough experience. I've been working to put myself through college, and I did, yet I can't find a single damn job to at least pay off the bills I have. It's so frustrating, and even more frustrating that I have no one to turn to except you. At least I can get this out somewhere. I refuse to let anyone see me weak, and I guess that's the biggest reason no one will know. I'll cry if I talk to them about it, and I don't want to burden anyone with that. I just need this week to go by, and fast.

Hideaway

I've been having these dreams in which I'm fighting something or someone, yet I have to pull as much energy as I can from myself in order to continue. I've never felt so weak, and it feels so real. Fighting your demons can be so tiring, and I feel as though it is a reflection of what I think of myself. Lately I've been telling myself, "I'm stronger than this, I'm stronger than this" in order to get through my thought. For it is not the world that scares me, but it is the way I think about it.

Keep fighting the good fight Jennifer. Don't give up.

I'm listening to the Where The Wild Things Are soundtrack and I'm really enjoying it. I like Karen O's quirkiness and the fun she embodies in all of her songs. She always amazes me, and I'm grateful to have been able to see her perform life.

Karen O - Worried Shoes

Eastward bound

I feel as though cold weather brings about a bit more compassion in others. The urge to share in each others' warmth and move into better times. I believe I've found what I'm missing in San Diego. I do miss the Fall. I miss cold weather. The tropical and steady weather, while I must admit that it's one of the most beautiful experiences, takes away from the rest of our emotions. It can't be good to live a hedonistic lifestyle every day. I need to feel burden of the breeze, so I can rise above it.

It's not that I'm unhappy. I love how easy my life is, but I need obstacles to overcome. I need challenges. I need a variance in my wardrobe.

Will we ever understand each other? Me, you, and everyone we know? Everything we know? I keep finding more and more reasons to move to the East Coast. I want to do this. I want to try something new. There's a reason I'm not cut out for this, that I haven't felt in my element for the last 3 years.


Beck - Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Quandaries

I don't want to break your heart. I don't want to be selfish, but I don't want to settle for less. I don't mean less in a demeaning way; what I mean to say is that I need more in order to thrive. Should I create a list of the pros and cons? or should I just remain in my current state, hoping a perfect life will come sweep me off my feet. There are so many different paths my life can take, yet I can't make a decision on any single road. I need my girls, and I need some definite rest and relaxation. Moments like these require so much more clarity, some in depth thought, and I don't want to rush anything. Family and friends need to be in my life right now.

Band of Horses - Detlef Schrempf

1000 suns

I can't complain, San Diego is beautiful. I'm just not a fan of hot or humid weather. As I started my day, I realized that I need to experience this weather a bit more than usual, and rather than sitting inside catching glimpses of the daylight, I walked my ass to work. About two miles, strolling through the park and into downtown, I made it here in about 45 minutes, which is the usual. It was hot, but I didn't break a sweat. I definitely need the exercise, and the view of downtown as you walk into it is just as beautiful as it has always been.

Ate an everything bagel with cream cheese, and some orange juice. It's really nice to come to work in the morning because I can do this. I usually get extra bagels for whichever MOD is there in the morning. It's a good ritual to have, bonding over bagels. haha

I've got my interview with Union Bank tomorrow morning, so wish me luck. I've always just wanted to be able to get an interview, get my foot in the door and not denied from the start. It's always been my belief that you should give people chances to explain themselves in person, to listen to the inflections in their voices, as well as body language. I suck on paper, but my actions always spoke louder than my words.

You choose, you chose, poetry over prose

This may be my break. I need benefits, I need a health and dental plan. I've spent so much of my life caring for others, putting my needs on the backburner. But, I'm not here to preach. My personal being has become the deciding factor in my actions, but I'll still remain the same. I don't change much, but I usually try for the better.

Feist - Intuition

Allegory of the Cave

I was reading Plato's Allegory of the cave in order to refresh my memory, and I realized that it confuses me now just as it did when I first read it. It doesn't make me sad, but it does move me to test the boundaries of my mind a bit more through literature. In school I always did such a half-assed job, and yesterday, as I reminisced about school, I felt pangs of regret. I'm a very intuitive person, but I'm just not as intelligent as I thought I was.

I kept a book from one of my rhetoric classes called Essential Readings for College Writers. It's time to exercise this brain again. I'm embarking on a journey to read the classic books and literature that continue to motivate and inspire thinking that's lasted for so many centuries.

I was feeling a bit displaced this morning, but since my mental workout, I'm returning to normal.

Ray Charles - That Lucky Sun

Daughter-sick

My mother called me the other day and kept insisting that I move home. I find it pretty endearing that she misses me, but I think she misses the fact that I'm not around to yell at her. I know she has a strained relationship with my sisters, and although I love her and miss her, I don't have the resources to help her. If I were ever to win the lottery, I'd make sure my parents were well taken care of, as they've taken care of me.

Her insistence has embedded a sense of longing in me. I'm constantly thinking of how comfortable I'd be at home, the friends I've missed out on, and the friendships that have started to disappear. I love San Diego, but I'm still in love with Sacramento. There are so many things I'd like to do, but sooner or later decisions will have to be made.

What do it do?

People watching

is possibly one of the best aspects of my job. As I sit here nonchalantly waiting for people to call and ask questions, I'm able to constantly see cars drive by, cars try to parallel park, and people walk to the trolley station. This isn't the ghetto but there sure are some sketchy things that go on down here.

This whole weekend was a grateful experience for me. I was able to let go and be myself again. I've been eating more veggies so I feel a bit more energized than I was before, yet my drinking has remained the same. I don't know why I let myself do this, but how can you pass up the opportunity to share some jokes and laughter?

On Friday I went to see Chromeo do a DJ set at the Casbah, and although it's a small venue, I absolutely love it! It's cute, the people are extremely nice, and the drinks are low priced. I met Vaughn, the guy who makes the calendars for HOB and found him to be hilarious as well as charming. Good vibes came from him, and it was pleasant to meet nice people. Saturday, although I worked until 9:30, I got a free pass for street scene from Dave. I totally lucked out! I bought a new dress from Urban and went with Heather and Sam, meeting up with Emily in the process. I haven't purchased new clothes in such a long while, but I felt like I needed to get some fashionable clothing to feed my creative desires. I need attention, and I need it to be the right kind. I'm not looking for a relationship, but I'm more than willing to make new friends.

It's a difficult balance, but I want to be as extroverted as possible yet maintain my introverted self somewhere in there. I'm looking for some inspiration in the old me.

Belle & Sebastian - If she wants me

Frankie says...

relax.

Lately I find myself getting extremely stressed out, yet I still find it so difficult to do something about it. I haven't been able to sleep well at all and I feel like it's taking a toll on me. My psyche is such a jumble with so many things to think about. Worrying about my career, or lack of, my financial situation, my family situation, and just my overall identity crisis. So many things to think about, but I haven't been able to find any solutions.

My self confidence has slowly grown, yet I'm still as shy as ever.

Janelle Monae - Smile

Mercy Mercy Me

It's only 9AM and I had difficulty getting up. Since school's been out, I've had to find new things to procrastinate on, and the current thing to do is sleep in. It feels so good to let the dreams continue, even though I'm woken every 10 minutes by my alarm. You can only suppress yourself for so long.

Yesterday's Taco Tuesday was absolutely fantastic. El Zarape tacos to go and picnic at the park. We played on the Big Toy, played Sardine, freeze tag, and ultimate rock-paper-scissors. It's a delight to get back in touch with your child sometimes. It was a good feeling being comfortable with myself with friends in hand.

Today I'm about to cook some breakfast and dine with Heather on my patio. Teryaki tofu with sesame along with some steamed veggies and egg white omelettes. I'm going to keep it to a minimum though because I don't want to get so full that I can't enjoy my coffee. Just yesterday I realized how nice it was to sit outside on the patio, and decided some coffee and maybe newspaper or a guest would be a nice addition to this experience. The clean crisp air as well as the view of the run down canyon. haha what more could you ask for? it's just nice to know this place is mine. My haven, and it's been cleaned up so I can now have people over.

Opening tune of the day. Mayer Hawthorne still wins. I'm just trying to find ways to apply his lyrics to my life, and only a few songs are working, but I'm still dedicated to the rest. I actually really want his heart shaped red vinyl for "Just ain't gonna work out."

One of these days kitty.

A strange arrangement

I've been listening to Mayer Hawthorne a lot more lately, and I'm absolutely falling in love with him and his album. He's bringing back that falsetto and acapella sound that's been missing in music lately. The lack of samples, the crooning, and not to mention his fashion style makes me reminisce. I honestly wish I could find more ladies interested in the same thing, ones that I know, not strangers. It would be utterly fantastic to find a best friend into the same variety of things I am.

I haven't been able to sleep well lately. I'm not sure if I'm just uncomfortable, or if I'm thinking too much. A few nights have been due to the latter, but there's not much I can do about it. I'm thinking of millions of different things and my mind races a mile every minute. There's that sense of stress that still lingers, as it well should. I've been lucky in the sense that some things have just fallen in my lap, and although I look forward to them, I shouldn't be expecting them. I shouldn't be expecting things from others, but rather from myself.

Remember Jennifer, happiness comes from within.


Mayer Hawthorne - A Strange Arrangement

This is not a test

I apologize for my lack of posts lately, but my life has been a bit of a whirlwind. I've been continuously trying to find "me" time in the midst of all this. Update shall we?

Well, Alex and I have decided it may be better to break it off, rather than try to squeeze each other into the little time we have. He's young, recently graduated, and has a good job. I don't think it's right to be the person to hold him down, especially when my schedule falls completely different from his. I need to focus on myself, and I have way too much pride to rely on others.

I've moved with Emily to a quaint little apartment in Hillcrest. I absolutely love it. We have our little pet corner, it's organized but needs a bit more decoration. I may stop by the thrift stores in the next couple days to find some art pieces to hang up. It's pretty central to everything I could need, and encourages me to walk around a bit more rather than staying cooped up inside.

My finances are still a bit sketchy, and it's stressful enough without having to worry about spending money with a significant other. I'm not a depressed person, but I go through little bouts of it due to my incapability to completely care for myself. I think this is a good time to devote to what I need to do to become a better person. It's like I ultimately believe that suffering makes you better, and it's definitely what I need.

I've started to listen to music again, and I can't fall asleep without its sounds in my ear.

I definitely needed this. I'm my biggest motivation.

She & Him - Sentimental Heart



My new favorite band.

Whoa.

I'll be back here soon. I promise. There are some major updates that need to be shared.
See you soon ;)

must....write.

Must keep writing for the sake of writing. I definitely need to get in the habit of it in order to tap into this well of thoughts. I think the thing obstructing my view of seeing my life as I see others is that it's difficult for me to be so narcissistic. I don't like seeing myself other than in my mind. I'm going to take pictures today. I'm going to read up about the arts. There's something I just haven't been able to release. I'm starting my search today.

Hanging out with Gym

Day 1: June 1st

So last night I went to the ARC to work out. I spent 30 min on the elliptical. 15 min cycling, and then another 20 min doing 20 reps of triceps extension, biceps, inner thighs, and outer thighs. I'm kinda sore today from not stretching, but I'm planning on going again tomorrow. One day on, two days off. That will be my strategy, and since I'm putting it here, I have to stick with it!

Cheers!

Will power.

It's time to take control of my life, now that I have full reign. I'm determined to start exercising and taking better care of my health. With that being said, I'm going to start on June 1st. It doesnt' mean that this week is my last week to behave in a gluttonous way, but I should be preparing myself. This blog is going to be a way to record my daily activities. I really need to get in the habit of doing this if I want to make any progress.

Let's do this.

De Ville

Can I really be this cruel? I think lately I've been such a jerk, so lazy, so dependent, and so ungrateful. I don't want to be like that, but after my actions lately, it seems that I am. It's regretful to see myself in this new light, one which I just hate to see. Is this my way of transitioning out of this relationship? I don't want it to be bad, but I feel like I need it.

I can't help you like you help me.

The music's gone

I haven't listened to music lately. Nothing new. Not much old. I just haven't been doing it. It's made me feel sad. It was the easiest thing to be inspired by, but I've chosen not to be inspired lately. It's a flaw I wish to fix. I've gotta move away from this place.

Julie Ruin - Apt. #5

Don't have a cow.

I don't know why it is, but I've got such an aversion to working out. I mean, I imagine it in my head, but I realize there are other things I'd like to do with my time. It's sad that I've allowed myself to laze around like this for so long. I've been watching the travel channel and they have this show regarding the best restaurants to pig out at. I can't even imagine that. I think I'm trying to disgust myself with all of these visuals in order to get my mind off of food. I think about it all the time. It's exciting to me. I like food, I can't help it. However, I like healthy food. Definitely not heart attack food.

My goal over the summer has been to go to the gym more often in order to get into shape. I think after the feat of college, this is my next goal. Well, after getting a promotion that is. I need to think of a strategy for this summer. I forgot that it's hard to depend on yourself. The amount of stress you go through can be insane, but it's a transition I need to experience.

I just had to pause to watch the show. A burger with lard on it? Fucking disgusting. I had a dream about chicken last night, and I really don't want to eat it anymore. Yay for aversions!

A wardrobe epidemic

Lately, my life has been a bit more redundant than usual, which I've accepted due to the brokeness of college life. What I mean by this is that I tend to now wear the same clothes over and over because of my ability to get away with it. I'm able to wear my favorites because I only see people once or twice a week. I decided it was time to take out all of my old clothes, and I had to be firm about this. If I didn't fit it anymore, if I didn't hold any sentimental value to this, I would have to throw it in the pile.

That pile became big. I've done this a few times already, and my closet has become a barren wasteland. I forgot how much easier it was to give away than to fill back up. I noticed that living in San Diego, in such a big beach community, I've become so much more self conscious. My fashion sense has dwindled. This here is a skin community. The more the better, and I can't compete with that. SDSU is the epitome of SD culture, at least, what we see all the time.

This woman inspires me again and again.

Before the Nova

I saw Lykke Li perform live last night and she is such a refreshing artist! She was a dancer, a singer, and an amazing performer. It made me sad to see the disappointment in her face as the crowd just stood there. While I can understand that the audience might have been absorbing her energy, I can understand the sad look on her face when she kept asking the crowd if they knew the songs. So boring! From a place where we boasted amazing high school rallies and extreme school spirit, not to mention celebrating just about every piece of artistry out there, it made me sad too.

If she never comes back to San Diego, I would completely understand. I've noticed this numerous times at so many different events. People just drain the spirit out of you, but never seek to replenish it.

Today I was able to clean my room. It's such a cathartic experience for me. I think when I'm mad, cleaning is my calming activity. I remember as a child, my mother always bugged me to clean my room. Geez, I can't believe how lazy I was. Now, as I organize the clutter, it seems as if the metaphor for seeing beneath the mess becomes a reality for me. It clears my mind and helps me to think about things much better than before.

Graduating is coming soon, and I feel ready. We'll see how the world treats me though. It might not agree.

Kleerup ft. Lykke Li - Until we Bleed

One of my faves

I remember learning about The Notwist from DJan and Jon when I used to drive to Moraga to visit them at St. Mary's. Consequence became my summer anthem, the source of that season's feelings of reminiscence. I cherish those moments and truly miss them. I feel as though I've become somewhat detached from the emotions that use to linger as the music swept over me.

With that being said, I'd like to introduce you to one of my favorite bands with one of my favorite videos:

The Notwist - Pick Up The Phone

Push a little more

Oh thunder in my heart
These razors cutting sharp
And leaves me with an ever bleeding scar
So soft, so suddenly
So that I can not breathe
I'm drawn into a circle painted black
Oh I'm hanging high
Oh won't you let me down
Back where I started at
You know I'm a little lost

Twin sized

I miss having my twin sized bed. It meant that I was still
independent. I was my own single entity. I do miss that, and it's a
large reason as to why I would like to live on my own. Despite being
in a relationship, there are many things I'd still prefer to keep to
myself, knowledge I don't want to share with anyone else. It's not a
matter of keeping secrets, for there's no intent in harming anyone. I
think just the fact that I need to be my own motivation is my
biggest motivation. I could be so sick with myself, but if I continue
living with this behavior, there's just
no end in sight. I need some tough love and I need to be the one
to provide that for me. It's too easy.

Does this mean I'm giving up on a spoiled life? Was I ever
that type of person to begin with? For as long as I can remember, I
don't believe I ever was. I don't think I can be. I'm missing the
conflict and the growth that I need. It saddens me, but I feel it to
be an inevitable change occurring in my life.

Lykke Li - Hanging High

In one ear

and straight out the other. I've realized that the last year was nothing but a waste of energy on my behalf. I haven't been interested in my studies for so long, and my grade point average has definitely dropped below preferences. You know, it might be important to have something to write about rather than keeping my opinion out of everything. What are blogs for other than something to read about? I wonder if any other people write about themselves for the entertainment. Every Tuesday and Thursday I enter into the same classes, and today I'm about to fall sleep.

I do want to continue my education, but I'm just so tired. I'm not completely sure why I am here.

Pushing Daisies

I can do better than this. I can do better than I have done in order to succeed. I admit, I've been a bit too relaxed when it came to my studies, and boy does it show. In fact, as I am sitting here in the library, I'm updating my blog. I woke up from a nap earlier and am still in a groggy mind state.

I have friends who are going to law school. I may have never imagined myself in that position, but I don't think it's time for me to give up yet. I think I can go further with my studies. I think I can find myself even more if I refuse to give up, maintain my optimism and determinism. Let's start in the now so the future can be bold.

John Bayless - Bach Meets the Beatles (Hey Jude)

Older Sister

I used to have a profound and deep love for Little Brother. I'm not sure what it was, but I think it's the ability to understand their references, the intertextuality of their lyrics. It's been a while since I've listened to them, so I think I may take a gander and enjoy them once again.

Little Brother - Whatever You Say

Word em up!

The Sob Story

As Spring break came to an end, I somehow found myself disillusioned with everything around me. The sudden urge to do my schoolwork overcame me, but I've lazily been half-assing my work. ahh things don't change much.

There were some high points to the week of supposed rest. I went to the After School Special CD release party at Kava lounge and it was a good turnout. I forgot what it felt like to support friends, and it's always in my memory that I have a plethora of friends back home who are just as talented, maybe even more. I may have lost touch with the people back home, but it'll come back. I'm just not in the same place as they are, as free as they are. Give it some time. I'm almost there. I am rather happy where I am right now, and I know that when the opportunity arises, I'll be prepared.

Have I lost that touch? That ability to have a conversation with someone? The innovation and creativity that makes me who I am? My wardrobe is amiss with the characteristics I use to portray, the taste of my personality.

Ahh, let's change what the world has to offer.

El torrente - Minus the Bear

Clear as the Ocean Blue

There have been numerous times in my life when I've discovered a sense of clarity in the ocean sea. My experience with it today wasn't the most subtle, as I squinted into the glaring reflection, a sign of future as well as the culture of the past. I bid you adieu as my eyes rest from the brightness of the light.

My ass is ready for sleep, but the light is still on.

Quick notes of my own, for my own.

Coupure de ressort ? Qu'est-ce que c'est ?

Oh those weekends at home. I was feeling a bit nostalgic lately while perusing through old friends photos. There are so many ways we all become linked, connected, and on the same plane. I am learning patience, as well as yearning for it because it's never one or the other. This is a good week to advance myself in order to prepare for the crush that is the end of the semester.

I'm a rather private person, and I think I'll keep it that way. I know my wants, and it's about time I learned to voice them. Sweet rose, we'll get a blossom out of you one day.

I just had a song playing in my mind, and as soon as I attempted to recall the name, it slipped away. A feather in the whirlwind that is my mind.

Lykke Li

I just had to post this up. Lykke Li is so amazing, and I'm grateful to be able to watch her perform live. April 20th! Belly Up! Word.

Lykke Li - Little Bit Video

Pirates and Piranhas

They'll eat you alive.

Every once in a while, I'll find an artist that I respect so much that I would choose to purchase their cds rather than download them. I download a lot. Since getting my new laptop, I've decided to go through my music collection and make sure I listen to everything before I decide whether or not to keep it, or move on to the next sound. The new object of my desire is the Yeah Yeah Yeahs cd, It's Blitz.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Hysteric

Alex just cleaned the room for me yesterday, and I must say, he did such a fantastic job. I've never felt so at peace in my own room. So much space, such tranquility without the burden of clutter.

Anyway, at work last night, it was boring. What did I do? I read up the synopsis of every single Asian movie that was remade into an American movie. There's definitely a reason I can't watch those movies, for they make me extremely queasy. Just reading them all and imagining them made me queasy. I'm not easily perturbed by movie spoilers, or just not at all. My rationality is that my imagination gets to stretch itself and grow through this process of reading and visualizing.

C'est la vie.

My heart burns

I'm moving forward. I always talk about moving forward, but I talk so much about the past. Maybe I'm an advertiser at heart; I'm a seller of the scene, the event that doesn't exist in the present, but only of the future yet reminiscent of the past.

I was lucky to be able to see Adele perform last week. She almost made me want to cry with her beautiful voice. There are some people who I believe have the ability to make me cry in such a way, and she's almost one of them. If I saw the Beatles and John Lennon, I would definitely be bawling out of happiness. When I feel as if I've been lost in the midst of this school year, I can turn to the Beatles and they make me feel like a good person again.

Times are changing. So many burdens have been lifted off of my back. My path towards greatness has become so much clearer than it has been before. Graduation is coming closer and closer, and after that, I'm determined to take a 2 week vacation. I want to travel with friends. I'll be ready. Time to plan ahead and see where the world takes me.

All I want in the world is for us to get it right.

Cradle Orchestra - All I Want In This World

A conundrum of sorts

If I never knew what life was going to throw at me, I don't think I'd be ready. I've always been scouting ahead, finding out what lies ahead in the realm above me. I've never had to do so much tactical planning in my life. Sometimes, there are things you just can't plan for. Other times there are, and I've done my research well enough ahead that I can do something about this.

I need courage. I need faith. I wish I didn't know. Ignorance is such bliss sometimes...

Poker face

I don't think I've ever been in such a conundrum. I was all ears for the troubles and worries of a young mind last night and there wasn't much advice I had to give. I didn't understand the situation. I love this person, but there is nothing I can personally do to help him. What do you tell someone who feels as if his life is going nowhere? Someone with so much potential to be anything he wants to be, yet feels as if this work is all for nothing? I can only bring you up so much. There's only so much I can tell you before you have to start believing it yourself.

I've been having my doubts lately, and shortly, there was a moment in time when my gaze fell back upon you. I was content with you, but it's not the same anymore.

I don't have an answer for you. I don't know what I can do to help you. You keep asking me to help you, but how can I help you if you wan't want it? If you don't let me? If you can't even help yourself?

John Legend - Everybody Knows

Sender, receiver, channel, and noise

I feel as if there's a large communication gap between myself and the ones that I love. With that being true, I'm starting to become apathetic in regards to fixing that problem. I know I've been complaining about being so dependent on others, and how I seem to have lost myself. It seems at this point in time, I want to just bury that feeling deeper and deeper into my selflessness.

What I mean to say is that I'm attempting to be more independent, and regardless of what happens, I want to be ultimately responsible for myself. I want to create a relationship in which there's no reason to complain, no reason for arguments. If I have to hide my emotions, I will. I'm willing to be the stronger person. I'll find different outlets so they don't all come out at once. Suffering is a part of life, and it drives creativity and determinism.

I'm determined. Who knows how I'll feel in a week. The mind is a fickle thing.

"Other" mothers, lovers, sisters, friends

Alex and I watched Coraline last night as our appreciation of Valentine's day. Although we both had work all day, it was nice to spend the evening together. He even got me flowers! I love when he does that, and it makes me appreciate him even more. Coraline was dreamy, especially in 3-D. The details had me in awe, and I found myself with quick breaths and sighs and hums of excitement as the movie progressed. Consciously, it was almost scary. I'm not sure how my 3 year old niece was able to watch it without any fear, but I think when you're at that age, you can relate more closely to the main character. You don't necessarily think of the consequences and the background of the story. oh sweet innocence...

Today we'll be attending the Valentine's Day Love Jam with old school artists like Heatwave, Peaches & Herb, Evelyn "Champagne" King, etc. Throughout my life, I feel like this genre of music has stayed with me, has always kept my attention in one way or another. It's something I never get tired of.

I have been drinking wine today, and it's only 1:00 PM. I feel good, and happy. I video chatted with my sisters last night, and they were drinking wine too. I think as a family, we're growing closer and closer. It's a nice feeling. I love them as much as those fat kids love their cake. and they get to eat it too.

Polka dots on the edge of the spikes

This semester is my final test on the road to a bachelor's degree. I'm excited for it, but I'm also going to be pooped out by it. In terms of managing time, it's not that I can't, I just don't have the time to do absolutely everything I need to do, yet still get enough sleep and energy to continue it the next day. This continuum of sleeplessness is going to get the better of me, but definitely not the best.

Since I had the morning off today, I decided to make Alex some lunch. I naturally enjoying making lunch and cooking for him, but I'm a little disappointed in the turnout of my creation. He wanted fried rice with chicken and spam, and I overcooked the rice =(. I'm usually not a bad cook, but sometimes, rice just gets me. That's what I get for not eating it that much.

I'm also baking some cupcakes and a mini-cake for Josh and the box office. After last night's stressful shift, I feel that everyone deserves a little treat. There are people who work so hard in there, and people who don't give a shit. I really appreciate the people there, and I'm grateful for them because of their uniqueness. Talking to Brad at Sunset made me appreciate them even more.

Yesterday, I was yelled at by customers so many times. It almost got to me, but I took a deep breath, and resumed the polite banter I usually do with guests. It's not fair to take it out on others if one person gives me a hard time. My manager also commented on how I never ask for help, and I don't think it's something I like doing. It just felt good to hear him say it. Over the last couple years, he's grown into a bigger brother for me, and that's something that keeps me sane there at the box office. He's one of the few who actually notices my work, and appreciates it.

The year is leading up to various different checkpoints in my life, and I don't want to think about the aftermath just yet. I just want to bide my time. See how things turn out. My determinism refuses to wane.

I'm in this for the long haul.

abysmal

I've lost myself in the abyss of this life. I look forward to solitude lately, rather than socializing. It's not a bad thing, but I've become so closed up that my confidence has begun to wane.

3 more months.

I'm a grown ass woman.

It's times like these, as I try to spread my wings and develop more of an attachment to this place that I realize that it's definitely not what I need. I'm starting to learn that I only need to do what is necessary, rather than try to build relationships and friendships out of nothing. As amicable as I try to be, there are other forces out there that refuse to just move on with their lives, pulling me back into the abyss and darkness that lies behind the sunny facade that is San Diego.

I try not to let things bother me, but this is the type of stuff I try to learn from, to grow from, and to move away from. It becomes a point of motivation, in which I realize it's not what I need. As graduation gets closer and closer, I'm more and more interested in focusing on my career, and being self-sufficient.

I rarely think about you, and what you say about me. When it does, it fuels my emotions and is a constant reminder as to why I am here, and why I will never go away.

Eventually, you're going to have to grow up. When you do, I'll be there, not to shake your hand, but to continue as I always have, and ahead of the game.

That funny feeling

Last night, I got to hear Boyz II Men perform. I forgot what a big fan I was of them! Throughout my biggest growing years, their songs were such a staple of my musical tastes. I even remember singing their songs on the karaoke machine. I kept denying the fact that I wanted to see them, and I just didn't care to anymore. But as soon as they hit the stage and sang "Motown Philly", it was over. They woo'ed me like no one ever could. I sang along and fought that same urge, but it was too powerful. It was such a nostalgic feeling that overcame me, and eventually moved me to repossess the passion I had for music in general. I mean, I know my tastes have changed, but it's nice to know that I am still able to appreciate the songs I use to listen to. The fact that I also worked with Josh helped immensely. His I-pod contained a majority of what I use to listen to, and it revived the connoisseur within me. I might be back, and it's just in time. School starts next week, and I need a way to relax when I need to.

I don't want to lose that sense and part of me again, but I do want to rediscover it.

I'm ready.

Moulin Rouge - Come What May

Restaurant week

This week, over 150 different restaurants will take part in Restaurant week. Each restaurant sets a 3-course menu at a specific price, either $20, $30, or $40. There are so many restaurants I want to try out! I realize that I should be saving money, but come on, it's Restaurant week! You've got to let yourself indulge once in a while in the fantastic and memorable tastes of some of the finest chefs out there. A set price like this is such a deal, why wouldn't you take part in it? Escargot or clams, Maine lobster, and creme brulee, for 30 dollars a person. That my friends, is definitely a deal. With all the hard work we do, it's nice to do something special for yourselves once in a while.

This Friday, I'm going to a concert. Not just any concert...

dun dun dun

John Legend and Estelle!

I remember how I felt the first time he came to this sunny town. John Legend, at the House of Blues. It was depressing to be so close to someone, yet, I wasn't old enough to even attend the concert! Also, I wasn't smart enough to work that night and slightly experience it. I have learned from that experience, and I am glad that I missed it. I have a feeling I would have been more sad to know that he was so close, and only a wall separated us. Not this time. This time, I will be so close, I'll be able to see him croon and sing to me. Now would be a good time to catch up on his new album. Let's hope they have some merchandise I can send home to my sister.

There are some concerts I regret missing, and I'll regret them for a while. About a week ago, George Clinton was here. George Clinton! P-Funk! Not to mention, Sly Stone even came out! ugh. I need to be strong enough to do these things on my own again. I also missed Anthony Hamilton.

Who am I looking forward to? Well, obviously John Legend, but also Adele. As for the week, it's time to celebrate the last week of the Winter break.

Here I go again.

Estelle - Come on Over

Down to the teeth

I went to the dentist yesterday, and the news I received wasn't all that surprising. As a college student who relies on herself for sustainability, there are certain things that must be sacrificed so I can obtain others. One of those all important things: Healthcare.

I've been paying increasing attention to my health, my body, and what I put inside it. I brush twice everyday, along with using Listerine. I've been flossing every night before the Listerine. I'm experiencing the consequences of that sweet tooth. 2 root canals, and all 4 wisdom teeth need to come out. I have to make up for the time I've lost taking care of my teeth. I definitely do not have the funds required to pay for such dentistry. I don't have a full time job to provide the benefits I need, and I certainly can't afford it myself. This is one of the reasons why it's so important for me to obtain a full time job after graduation. I need to grow up.

Life will never be the same as it was, and I feel there will be a shift in the atmosphere. I took the bus to work this morning, drowning in the soft melody of Goapele and her soulful sound. It was reminiscent and comforting to be enveloped in that calmness. As I walked the four blocks from the bus stop to the House of Blues, the songs continued to envelope me that I didn't want to let go of that feeling. Which is precisely why I'm choosing to remember it here.

Oh beautiful world. I want to hide from you, but I want to embrace your warmth at the same time. I'm not ready for you, but I don't want to miss out on everything you're willing to give me. I want to get closer to my dream. Higher..and higher..and higher...

Goapele - Closer

What is this? An emotion?

As time gets eaten away by daily activities, I'm finding that I need to prepare myself for the last grueling semester of my college experience. I don't mean grueling in a bad way, rather, it'll just be incredibly busy. Here's an idea of what it'll look like:

My school schedule will be strictly on Tuesdays and Thursdays

8:00AM - 8:50AM: Media Literacy
9:00AM - 9:50AM: Social Policies and Social Issues
10:00AM - 10:50AM: Marketing
11:00AM - 11:50AM: Communications Capstone: Conceptualizing and Investigating Communication

I'll be working 25-30 hours a week so I can pay for my housing and bills and along with that, a minimum of 15 hours a week as a non-paid marketing intern.

I'm debating on whether or not I should make this internship a class, but I think I'd rather learn from a teacher than on my own for a class I have no experience in.
I know I'm dedicating a lot of time this semester, but it's something I need to do so that I don't limit myself to one area of expertise. There are so many things at stake: my job, my marketing experience, my graduation, and my relationships with others. This is my last semester to prove myself and overcome these final obstacles.

I can do this. I've done it before, I can do it again.

As the fog rolls over...

you tend to lose sight of yourself and everyone around you.

I wish I was as beautiful as you, both inside and out. I wish I was as beautiful as all of you, but the little child inside of me keeps receding into my inner being, neglected by my id. But it's okay, it's an inner suffering that I embrace.

With all of the world's demands, it's difficult to keep your ethics and morals in check, along with the magical and spiritual demands the self needs to preserve. There are so many dialectical tensions we encounter that they keep your mind in a constant whirlwind. I want to train my mind to seek its happy place. The place where the Rose bushes flourish and the Orchids embrace the sun. Where the grass is always greener and the butterflies roam about. A homely place created by all the elements your mind needs to rest, relax, and recharge itself for what reality throws at you.

In this relationship, I'm learning to not be so selfish. I miss the single life, and doing what I want, but this is a learning experience I need to appreciate. I'm not ready to think ahead. We'll see what the world has to offer as time goes by.



Regina Spektor - Better

Ode to the Gregorian Calendar

My new year has been off to a great start, and I hope that proceeds to be the momentum for my satisfaction and fulfillment. Despite the fact that I had NYE off, I still went to the HOB to celebrate, and it was a good move. Free admission, free drinks, and good company. Designated driving through that foggy road, I foresaw obstacles to overcome, but I also saw everything else I was blessed with. That's really all that matters to me. For what is satisfaction without some suffering to go along with it? I don't think I'd enjoy my life if it was too easy, if I didn't have to work hard. I wouldn't know what to do with myself, I wouldn't be who I am today.

I've purchased my last and final pack of cigarettes. That's my only resolution. It's feasible. When I shared this with Guy, he told me he'd also decided to quit. What is a work day without the casual frequent smoke breaks from him? I think we're all learning how to be patient. I'm trying to utilize my Canon Powershot more often, because I think it's important to create memories to look back upon. I'm reviving my image, not re-creating it, because I want to celebrate who I am inside and out.

I think I celebrate myself a lot, but it's not in the pedestrian sense. It's a bit more spiritual. The gift of giving is something I want to embrace, and I mean this in a more full sense.

It's a sweet life, and I've been able to celebrate the holidays in such a fantastic way, a way that's been more imaginable than I thought it could be. After a small hiatus, I'm ready to bounce back on my feet. Adult life, here I come.

Daft Punk - Digital Love

Let's bring it back.