Privacy

If you wonder why my blogs are always so depressed here, it's because this is my private blog that few know of. I'm not always this depressed, but I also don't want others to know how I'm affected. It's a way for me to rationalize my actions and decide whether or not what I'm doing is right or wrong.

With the new year approaching and growing a year older, I feel as if I haven't accomplished much at all. I have become a student of life, without the ability to completely take care of myself, in all aspects of my life. I don't feel successful at all. Here I am working at a job that has failed me multiple times, yet I'm still here. I'd like to settle down sometime, but it's difficult to leave.

One day, I'll just do it.

just do it.

No, it's not fine

I know why I'm so torn, and so confused, and it's because I am HURT. I am mad at Alex for ruining my holidays. For making me feel alone on Thanksgiving. For breaking up with me before my birthday, before christmas, before the new year. I am grateful for his contributions to make my birthday enjoyable, but it doesn't get rid of the fact that HE BROKE UP WITH ME DURING THE HOLIDAYS. My favorite days of the year, ruined. I can't cope with this because I'm so mad and so angry. You can't make this up to me. You just can't, and you don't want to. This is the most selfish thing you can do, and it's apparent that you don't care. I don't want to keep this bottled in.

Let me be mad.

I have never felt more alone in my life. I guess it's natural to feel a bit depressed, but I'm in a state where I just don't know how to feel. I want to hide from everyone, and not come out of my room for months. I feel so alone. Well, one more week and then I get to see my family. I think that's what I need. I need to stay away from Alex. Being around him makes me think crazy things, and because I'm confused and hurt, I can't trust him. I can't trust my own mind either, and in order not to betray both things, I just need to keep both away from each other. I can't think rationally, and I can't happily. I just can't think.

I can't think.

Sleeping in

I've been lucky to be able to sleep in lately, but I'm also an early bird, so that term doesn't mean the same to me as it does to others. I've been sleeping earlier to get a jump start on the next day, and my ultimate goal is to be wide awake at 5AM so I can take a jog around Balboa. It feels nice to have paid off some of my biggest bills, and nicer to know that my spending habits have subsided. I'm starting to think about the responsibilities I have, and what I need to do to stay ahead of the waves of stress. I've found the best ways to keep from spending money are to walk to and from work, saving bus fare, and bringing my own lunch. I mean, sure a meal is only $3 for me at work, but the calorie count deters me from wanting to eat it. Good deals aren't always the best deals. More veggies, less meat.

With the new year I'd like to exercise more, and I plan on giving up meat entirely. I've done it before and I can do it again. I'm going to start with the Wii Fit, but leave the running to the park. Oh days off, I'll promise not to stay inside all day. I'd like to do something with my life, and it has to start with me, with now.

I've had some appalling and scary dreams lately, but they're just dreams. My favorite part of them is when the song playing on my laptop seeps into my mind, and becomes a staple of that particular dream. There's a nicer feeling.

Suffering

Things need to happen, and I always felt that suffering was imperative so we could have something to learn from. It's like every minute is a learning experience, and taking the hard road gives me a tougher skin, a sharper mind, and stories to tell my kids when they grow up. You can't always get what you want, and you can't always give people what you think they need. I think now would be a good time to humble myself. Take a walk in their shoes, and your method of communication will be so much clearer.

I need to walk more, project myself into others experiences. My customer service could be better, my management skills could improve. It's nice to have some focus.

Memories from the start

I want to remember how we started, and why it happened, and how it lasted for over a year. I've never been in a relationship that long. Maybe if you remember, you'll remember how you fell in love with me in the first place, and maybe you'll fall in love again. I try to move on everyday, but constant memories flood my mind. Ignorance is bliss, but the happiness I felt with you surpasses that.

I can be such a danger to myself. Not knowing kills me.

Esthero - I Drive Alone

Can't move on... but I can't go home
and I'm not so strong... but I'll make my way
to the place I know
inside my heart
where I used to go to get brave
and I don't want to be lost anymore.

gotta find my way back home.

I don't know where I g0 - but I know I drive alone.
I terribly miss you....
more than you'll ever know.
You've got to come back somehow.
You've got to come back somehow.

Can't move on... but I can't go home
and I'm not so strong... but I'll make my way
to the place I know
inside my heart
where I used to go
to get brave and....

December Nights

Paula and I checked out Dec. nights in Balboa for the first time this year, and it was crazily packed. Long lines for everything and vendors running out of food. I love Balboa, but I think I'd definitely rather check it out another time when there are less people. Or maybe I'll check it out in the daytime next year. Eventually I got tired of seeing so many vendors but nothing else going on. The lines for the museum were just too long. So many families pushing strollers through the crowd and couples walking around with their dogs. It was a family affair and I didn't feel right. It sort of bummed me out so I was happy to go home and enjoy some tea.

Sleepytime tea really makes you sleepy. My body is sore, and my heart is weary.

Cheers to thee.

working out.

It's a bit more difficult than it seems, especially when you don't have the drive to do so. It's too easy to be content with what you have, rather than striving for more. I did work out today, after 40 days of laziness. I'd run around Balboa but I find that I get bored. A broken i-pod doesn't help my situation either.

pish posh. excuses excuses. You can be better than this. Giving myself pep talks through a journal entry. fascinating isn't it?

warning.

Although I've made it my purpose to enjoy and celebrate the cheer of the holidays, I fear that I can be a danger to myself. When you lose your inhibitions, internal struggles can bring themselves to the limelight. As reckless as I want to be, I shouldn't. I need to show a better sense of control. I just need to find an outlet.

Let it out.

I'm okay

I know this seems rushed and somewhat bipolar, but I am okay. I just had to get it out of my system, feel the unfairness of everything that's happened to me, but now I m okay. I realized that we tried, and if it's meant to be, it will happen. As for now, I will live by the mantra that has led my life up to this point, and that is: Live one day at a time. Of course you want to plan for the future, but you've got to enjoy the time you spend at the moment. Living in the moment. That's what always made me happy, and it is what will continue to do so.

Friends will always be there for you, and there are always more things you can accomplish.

Rock Bottom

I've completely hit rock bottom. There aren't many regrets that I have, but I guess one of my biggest ones has come back to bite me in the ass. I'm so devastated, and completely heartbroken. I don't want to be alone, and this is the worst time to be alone. Birthday, Christmas, New years, the times for joy and celebration. I just can't believe it's happening to me, and I don't want it to. I try not to be selfish, but I can't handle it this time.

But I fucked up, and I guess I have to deal with the consequences. There's no easy way out of this. No one to hold my hand, no one to support me. How long am I going to keep this up? Utterly heartbroken, and it can only go downhill.

I mean, do I fight for it? Is there any sense in doing so? I've never fought for much, and I'm willing to do this, I just don't want it to be for naught. You either love me or you don't, and I can either try to find out, or passively wait for an outcome that may or may not happen.

I have nowhere to go, and this doesn't make my life any better. Sorry this post is such a downer, but my heart hurts so much and I'm running out of tears.

It's been a long time coming.

What am I going to do with myself? I guess that's what the new years are for. Re-evaluation, and starting anew.

A change is going to come. Whether I want it or not.



Billie Holiday - I'll be seeing you

Smile

I find it so difficult to get mad at the ones I love. It's hard for me to let my problems burden anyone else, and it really gets to me. It's like I'm always putting on the happy face and smiling and trying to keep things light-hearted, but when a problem arises, I keep it to my self and try to deal with it alone. I realize that it's starting to get to me, and when I decide to let anyone in on my secret, the tears just rush to my eyes and I can't stop from crying. I don't reveal myself to others that much, and I try not to cry to anyone else. Holding everything in is taking its toll on me.

I need a happy place.

Economics

I feel as though I have so much potential to thrive in this economy, yet I'm failing every day to make ends meet. I truly wish more opportunities would arise for me, and I'm in a completely dead end job. I wish it weren't dead end, and at one point it wasn't.

Every time something opens up, I've been ineligible in some way, or just don't have enough experience. I've been working to put myself through college, and I did, yet I can't find a single damn job to at least pay off the bills I have. It's so frustrating, and even more frustrating that I have no one to turn to except you. At least I can get this out somewhere. I refuse to let anyone see me weak, and I guess that's the biggest reason no one will know. I'll cry if I talk to them about it, and I don't want to burden anyone with that. I just need this week to go by, and fast.

Hideaway

I've been having these dreams in which I'm fighting something or someone, yet I have to pull as much energy as I can from myself in order to continue. I've never felt so weak, and it feels so real. Fighting your demons can be so tiring, and I feel as though it is a reflection of what I think of myself. Lately I've been telling myself, "I'm stronger than this, I'm stronger than this" in order to get through my thought. For it is not the world that scares me, but it is the way I think about it.

Keep fighting the good fight Jennifer. Don't give up.

I'm listening to the Where The Wild Things Are soundtrack and I'm really enjoying it. I like Karen O's quirkiness and the fun she embodies in all of her songs. She always amazes me, and I'm grateful to have been able to see her perform life.

Karen O - Worried Shoes

Eastward bound

I feel as though cold weather brings about a bit more compassion in others. The urge to share in each others' warmth and move into better times. I believe I've found what I'm missing in San Diego. I do miss the Fall. I miss cold weather. The tropical and steady weather, while I must admit that it's one of the most beautiful experiences, takes away from the rest of our emotions. It can't be good to live a hedonistic lifestyle every day. I need to feel burden of the breeze, so I can rise above it.

It's not that I'm unhappy. I love how easy my life is, but I need obstacles to overcome. I need challenges. I need a variance in my wardrobe.

Will we ever understand each other? Me, you, and everyone we know? Everything we know? I keep finding more and more reasons to move to the East Coast. I want to do this. I want to try something new. There's a reason I'm not cut out for this, that I haven't felt in my element for the last 3 years.


Beck - Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Quandaries

I don't want to break your heart. I don't want to be selfish, but I don't want to settle for less. I don't mean less in a demeaning way; what I mean to say is that I need more in order to thrive. Should I create a list of the pros and cons? or should I just remain in my current state, hoping a perfect life will come sweep me off my feet. There are so many different paths my life can take, yet I can't make a decision on any single road. I need my girls, and I need some definite rest and relaxation. Moments like these require so much more clarity, some in depth thought, and I don't want to rush anything. Family and friends need to be in my life right now.

Band of Horses - Detlef Schrempf

1000 suns

I can't complain, San Diego is beautiful. I'm just not a fan of hot or humid weather. As I started my day, I realized that I need to experience this weather a bit more than usual, and rather than sitting inside catching glimpses of the daylight, I walked my ass to work. About two miles, strolling through the park and into downtown, I made it here in about 45 minutes, which is the usual. It was hot, but I didn't break a sweat. I definitely need the exercise, and the view of downtown as you walk into it is just as beautiful as it has always been.

Ate an everything bagel with cream cheese, and some orange juice. It's really nice to come to work in the morning because I can do this. I usually get extra bagels for whichever MOD is there in the morning. It's a good ritual to have, bonding over bagels. haha

I've got my interview with Union Bank tomorrow morning, so wish me luck. I've always just wanted to be able to get an interview, get my foot in the door and not denied from the start. It's always been my belief that you should give people chances to explain themselves in person, to listen to the inflections in their voices, as well as body language. I suck on paper, but my actions always spoke louder than my words.

You choose, you chose, poetry over prose

This may be my break. I need benefits, I need a health and dental plan. I've spent so much of my life caring for others, putting my needs on the backburner. But, I'm not here to preach. My personal being has become the deciding factor in my actions, but I'll still remain the same. I don't change much, but I usually try for the better.

Feist - Intuition

Allegory of the Cave

I was reading Plato's Allegory of the cave in order to refresh my memory, and I realized that it confuses me now just as it did when I first read it. It doesn't make me sad, but it does move me to test the boundaries of my mind a bit more through literature. In school I always did such a half-assed job, and yesterday, as I reminisced about school, I felt pangs of regret. I'm a very intuitive person, but I'm just not as intelligent as I thought I was.

I kept a book from one of my rhetoric classes called Essential Readings for College Writers. It's time to exercise this brain again. I'm embarking on a journey to read the classic books and literature that continue to motivate and inspire thinking that's lasted for so many centuries.

I was feeling a bit displaced this morning, but since my mental workout, I'm returning to normal.

Ray Charles - That Lucky Sun