It's been a long time coming.

What am I going to do with myself? I guess that's what the new years are for. Re-evaluation, and starting anew.

A change is going to come. Whether I want it or not.



Billie Holiday - I'll be seeing you

Smile

I find it so difficult to get mad at the ones I love. It's hard for me to let my problems burden anyone else, and it really gets to me. It's like I'm always putting on the happy face and smiling and trying to keep things light-hearted, but when a problem arises, I keep it to my self and try to deal with it alone. I realize that it's starting to get to me, and when I decide to let anyone in on my secret, the tears just rush to my eyes and I can't stop from crying. I don't reveal myself to others that much, and I try not to cry to anyone else. Holding everything in is taking its toll on me.

I need a happy place.

Economics

I feel as though I have so much potential to thrive in this economy, yet I'm failing every day to make ends meet. I truly wish more opportunities would arise for me, and I'm in a completely dead end job. I wish it weren't dead end, and at one point it wasn't.

Every time something opens up, I've been ineligible in some way, or just don't have enough experience. I've been working to put myself through college, and I did, yet I can't find a single damn job to at least pay off the bills I have. It's so frustrating, and even more frustrating that I have no one to turn to except you. At least I can get this out somewhere. I refuse to let anyone see me weak, and I guess that's the biggest reason no one will know. I'll cry if I talk to them about it, and I don't want to burden anyone with that. I just need this week to go by, and fast.

Hideaway

I've been having these dreams in which I'm fighting something or someone, yet I have to pull as much energy as I can from myself in order to continue. I've never felt so weak, and it feels so real. Fighting your demons can be so tiring, and I feel as though it is a reflection of what I think of myself. Lately I've been telling myself, "I'm stronger than this, I'm stronger than this" in order to get through my thought. For it is not the world that scares me, but it is the way I think about it.

Keep fighting the good fight Jennifer. Don't give up.

I'm listening to the Where The Wild Things Are soundtrack and I'm really enjoying it. I like Karen O's quirkiness and the fun she embodies in all of her songs. She always amazes me, and I'm grateful to have been able to see her perform life.

Karen O - Worried Shoes

Eastward bound

I feel as though cold weather brings about a bit more compassion in others. The urge to share in each others' warmth and move into better times. I believe I've found what I'm missing in San Diego. I do miss the Fall. I miss cold weather. The tropical and steady weather, while I must admit that it's one of the most beautiful experiences, takes away from the rest of our emotions. It can't be good to live a hedonistic lifestyle every day. I need to feel burden of the breeze, so I can rise above it.

It's not that I'm unhappy. I love how easy my life is, but I need obstacles to overcome. I need challenges. I need a variance in my wardrobe.

Will we ever understand each other? Me, you, and everyone we know? Everything we know? I keep finding more and more reasons to move to the East Coast. I want to do this. I want to try something new. There's a reason I'm not cut out for this, that I haven't felt in my element for the last 3 years.


Beck - Everybody's gotta learn sometime

Quandaries

I don't want to break your heart. I don't want to be selfish, but I don't want to settle for less. I don't mean less in a demeaning way; what I mean to say is that I need more in order to thrive. Should I create a list of the pros and cons? or should I just remain in my current state, hoping a perfect life will come sweep me off my feet. There are so many different paths my life can take, yet I can't make a decision on any single road. I need my girls, and I need some definite rest and relaxation. Moments like these require so much more clarity, some in depth thought, and I don't want to rush anything. Family and friends need to be in my life right now.

Band of Horses - Detlef Schrempf

1000 suns

I can't complain, San Diego is beautiful. I'm just not a fan of hot or humid weather. As I started my day, I realized that I need to experience this weather a bit more than usual, and rather than sitting inside catching glimpses of the daylight, I walked my ass to work. About two miles, strolling through the park and into downtown, I made it here in about 45 minutes, which is the usual. It was hot, but I didn't break a sweat. I definitely need the exercise, and the view of downtown as you walk into it is just as beautiful as it has always been.

Ate an everything bagel with cream cheese, and some orange juice. It's really nice to come to work in the morning because I can do this. I usually get extra bagels for whichever MOD is there in the morning. It's a good ritual to have, bonding over bagels. haha

I've got my interview with Union Bank tomorrow morning, so wish me luck. I've always just wanted to be able to get an interview, get my foot in the door and not denied from the start. It's always been my belief that you should give people chances to explain themselves in person, to listen to the inflections in their voices, as well as body language. I suck on paper, but my actions always spoke louder than my words.

You choose, you chose, poetry over prose

This may be my break. I need benefits, I need a health and dental plan. I've spent so much of my life caring for others, putting my needs on the backburner. But, I'm not here to preach. My personal being has become the deciding factor in my actions, but I'll still remain the same. I don't change much, but I usually try for the better.

Feist - Intuition