Memories from the start

I want to remember how we started, and why it happened, and how it lasted for over a year. I've never been in a relationship that long. Maybe if you remember, you'll remember how you fell in love with me in the first place, and maybe you'll fall in love again. I try to move on everyday, but constant memories flood my mind. Ignorance is bliss, but the happiness I felt with you surpasses that.

I can be such a danger to myself. Not knowing kills me.

Esthero - I Drive Alone

Can't move on... but I can't go home
and I'm not so strong... but I'll make my way
to the place I know
inside my heart
where I used to go to get brave
and I don't want to be lost anymore.

gotta find my way back home.

I don't know where I g0 - but I know I drive alone.
I terribly miss you....
more than you'll ever know.
You've got to come back somehow.
You've got to come back somehow.

Can't move on... but I can't go home
and I'm not so strong... but I'll make my way
to the place I know
inside my heart
where I used to go
to get brave and....

December Nights

Paula and I checked out Dec. nights in Balboa for the first time this year, and it was crazily packed. Long lines for everything and vendors running out of food. I love Balboa, but I think I'd definitely rather check it out another time when there are less people. Or maybe I'll check it out in the daytime next year. Eventually I got tired of seeing so many vendors but nothing else going on. The lines for the museum were just too long. So many families pushing strollers through the crowd and couples walking around with their dogs. It was a family affair and I didn't feel right. It sort of bummed me out so I was happy to go home and enjoy some tea.

Sleepytime tea really makes you sleepy. My body is sore, and my heart is weary.

Cheers to thee.

working out.

It's a bit more difficult than it seems, especially when you don't have the drive to do so. It's too easy to be content with what you have, rather than striving for more. I did work out today, after 40 days of laziness. I'd run around Balboa but I find that I get bored. A broken i-pod doesn't help my situation either.

pish posh. excuses excuses. You can be better than this. Giving myself pep talks through a journal entry. fascinating isn't it?

warning.

Although I've made it my purpose to enjoy and celebrate the cheer of the holidays, I fear that I can be a danger to myself. When you lose your inhibitions, internal struggles can bring themselves to the limelight. As reckless as I want to be, I shouldn't. I need to show a better sense of control. I just need to find an outlet.

Let it out.

I'm okay

I know this seems rushed and somewhat bipolar, but I am okay. I just had to get it out of my system, feel the unfairness of everything that's happened to me, but now I m okay. I realized that we tried, and if it's meant to be, it will happen. As for now, I will live by the mantra that has led my life up to this point, and that is: Live one day at a time. Of course you want to plan for the future, but you've got to enjoy the time you spend at the moment. Living in the moment. That's what always made me happy, and it is what will continue to do so.

Friends will always be there for you, and there are always more things you can accomplish.

Rock Bottom

I've completely hit rock bottom. There aren't many regrets that I have, but I guess one of my biggest ones has come back to bite me in the ass. I'm so devastated, and completely heartbroken. I don't want to be alone, and this is the worst time to be alone. Birthday, Christmas, New years, the times for joy and celebration. I just can't believe it's happening to me, and I don't want it to. I try not to be selfish, but I can't handle it this time.

But I fucked up, and I guess I have to deal with the consequences. There's no easy way out of this. No one to hold my hand, no one to support me. How long am I going to keep this up? Utterly heartbroken, and it can only go downhill.

I mean, do I fight for it? Is there any sense in doing so? I've never fought for much, and I'm willing to do this, I just don't want it to be for naught. You either love me or you don't, and I can either try to find out, or passively wait for an outcome that may or may not happen.

I have nowhere to go, and this doesn't make my life any better. Sorry this post is such a downer, but my heart hurts so much and I'm running out of tears.