Privacy

If you wonder why my blogs are always so depressed here, it's because this is my private blog that few know of. I'm not always this depressed, but I also don't want others to know how I'm affected. It's a way for me to rationalize my actions and decide whether or not what I'm doing is right or wrong.

With the new year approaching and growing a year older, I feel as if I haven't accomplished much at all. I have become a student of life, without the ability to completely take care of myself, in all aspects of my life. I don't feel successful at all. Here I am working at a job that has failed me multiple times, yet I'm still here. I'd like to settle down sometime, but it's difficult to leave.

One day, I'll just do it.

just do it.

No, it's not fine

I know why I'm so torn, and so confused, and it's because I am HURT. I am mad at Alex for ruining my holidays. For making me feel alone on Thanksgiving. For breaking up with me before my birthday, before christmas, before the new year. I am grateful for his contributions to make my birthday enjoyable, but it doesn't get rid of the fact that HE BROKE UP WITH ME DURING THE HOLIDAYS. My favorite days of the year, ruined. I can't cope with this because I'm so mad and so angry. You can't make this up to me. You just can't, and you don't want to. This is the most selfish thing you can do, and it's apparent that you don't care. I don't want to keep this bottled in.

Let me be mad.

I have never felt more alone in my life. I guess it's natural to feel a bit depressed, but I'm in a state where I just don't know how to feel. I want to hide from everyone, and not come out of my room for months. I feel so alone. Well, one more week and then I get to see my family. I think that's what I need. I need to stay away from Alex. Being around him makes me think crazy things, and because I'm confused and hurt, I can't trust him. I can't trust my own mind either, and in order not to betray both things, I just need to keep both away from each other. I can't think rationally, and I can't happily. I just can't think.

I can't think.

Sleeping in

I've been lucky to be able to sleep in lately, but I'm also an early bird, so that term doesn't mean the same to me as it does to others. I've been sleeping earlier to get a jump start on the next day, and my ultimate goal is to be wide awake at 5AM so I can take a jog around Balboa. It feels nice to have paid off some of my biggest bills, and nicer to know that my spending habits have subsided. I'm starting to think about the responsibilities I have, and what I need to do to stay ahead of the waves of stress. I've found the best ways to keep from spending money are to walk to and from work, saving bus fare, and bringing my own lunch. I mean, sure a meal is only $3 for me at work, but the calorie count deters me from wanting to eat it. Good deals aren't always the best deals. More veggies, less meat.

With the new year I'd like to exercise more, and I plan on giving up meat entirely. I've done it before and I can do it again. I'm going to start with the Wii Fit, but leave the running to the park. Oh days off, I'll promise not to stay inside all day. I'd like to do something with my life, and it has to start with me, with now.

I've had some appalling and scary dreams lately, but they're just dreams. My favorite part of them is when the song playing on my laptop seeps into my mind, and becomes a staple of that particular dream. There's a nicer feeling.

Suffering

Things need to happen, and I always felt that suffering was imperative so we could have something to learn from. It's like every minute is a learning experience, and taking the hard road gives me a tougher skin, a sharper mind, and stories to tell my kids when they grow up. You can't always get what you want, and you can't always give people what you think they need. I think now would be a good time to humble myself. Take a walk in their shoes, and your method of communication will be so much clearer.

I need to walk more, project myself into others experiences. My customer service could be better, my management skills could improve. It's nice to have some focus.

Memories from the start

I want to remember how we started, and why it happened, and how it lasted for over a year. I've never been in a relationship that long. Maybe if you remember, you'll remember how you fell in love with me in the first place, and maybe you'll fall in love again. I try to move on everyday, but constant memories flood my mind. Ignorance is bliss, but the happiness I felt with you surpasses that.

I can be such a danger to myself. Not knowing kills me.

Esthero - I Drive Alone

Can't move on... but I can't go home
and I'm not so strong... but I'll make my way
to the place I know
inside my heart
where I used to go to get brave
and I don't want to be lost anymore.

gotta find my way back home.

I don't know where I g0 - but I know I drive alone.
I terribly miss you....
more than you'll ever know.
You've got to come back somehow.
You've got to come back somehow.

Can't move on... but I can't go home
and I'm not so strong... but I'll make my way
to the place I know
inside my heart
where I used to go
to get brave and....

December Nights

Paula and I checked out Dec. nights in Balboa for the first time this year, and it was crazily packed. Long lines for everything and vendors running out of food. I love Balboa, but I think I'd definitely rather check it out another time when there are less people. Or maybe I'll check it out in the daytime next year. Eventually I got tired of seeing so many vendors but nothing else going on. The lines for the museum were just too long. So many families pushing strollers through the crowd and couples walking around with their dogs. It was a family affair and I didn't feel right. It sort of bummed me out so I was happy to go home and enjoy some tea.

Sleepytime tea really makes you sleepy. My body is sore, and my heart is weary.

Cheers to thee.

working out.

It's a bit more difficult than it seems, especially when you don't have the drive to do so. It's too easy to be content with what you have, rather than striving for more. I did work out today, after 40 days of laziness. I'd run around Balboa but I find that I get bored. A broken i-pod doesn't help my situation either.

pish posh. excuses excuses. You can be better than this. Giving myself pep talks through a journal entry. fascinating isn't it?

warning.

Although I've made it my purpose to enjoy and celebrate the cheer of the holidays, I fear that I can be a danger to myself. When you lose your inhibitions, internal struggles can bring themselves to the limelight. As reckless as I want to be, I shouldn't. I need to show a better sense of control. I just need to find an outlet.

Let it out.

I'm okay

I know this seems rushed and somewhat bipolar, but I am okay. I just had to get it out of my system, feel the unfairness of everything that's happened to me, but now I m okay. I realized that we tried, and if it's meant to be, it will happen. As for now, I will live by the mantra that has led my life up to this point, and that is: Live one day at a time. Of course you want to plan for the future, but you've got to enjoy the time you spend at the moment. Living in the moment. That's what always made me happy, and it is what will continue to do so.

Friends will always be there for you, and there are always more things you can accomplish.

Rock Bottom

I've completely hit rock bottom. There aren't many regrets that I have, but I guess one of my biggest ones has come back to bite me in the ass. I'm so devastated, and completely heartbroken. I don't want to be alone, and this is the worst time to be alone. Birthday, Christmas, New years, the times for joy and celebration. I just can't believe it's happening to me, and I don't want it to. I try not to be selfish, but I can't handle it this time.

But I fucked up, and I guess I have to deal with the consequences. There's no easy way out of this. No one to hold my hand, no one to support me. How long am I going to keep this up? Utterly heartbroken, and it can only go downhill.

I mean, do I fight for it? Is there any sense in doing so? I've never fought for much, and I'm willing to do this, I just don't want it to be for naught. You either love me or you don't, and I can either try to find out, or passively wait for an outcome that may or may not happen.

I have nowhere to go, and this doesn't make my life any better. Sorry this post is such a downer, but my heart hurts so much and I'm running out of tears.

It's been a long time coming.

What am I going to do with myself? I guess that's what the new years are for. Re-evaluation, and starting anew.

A change is going to come. Whether I want it or not.



Billie Holiday - I'll be seeing you