Poker face

I don't think I've ever been in such a conundrum. I was all ears for the troubles and worries of a young mind last night and there wasn't much advice I had to give. I didn't understand the situation. I love this person, but there is nothing I can personally do to help him. What do you tell someone who feels as if his life is going nowhere? Someone with so much potential to be anything he wants to be, yet feels as if this work is all for nothing? I can only bring you up so much. There's only so much I can tell you before you have to start believing it yourself.

I've been having my doubts lately, and shortly, there was a moment in time when my gaze fell back upon you. I was content with you, but it's not the same anymore.

I don't have an answer for you. I don't know what I can do to help you. You keep asking me to help you, but how can I help you if you wan't want it? If you don't let me? If you can't even help yourself?

John Legend - Everybody Knows

Sender, receiver, channel, and noise

I feel as if there's a large communication gap between myself and the ones that I love. With that being true, I'm starting to become apathetic in regards to fixing that problem. I know I've been complaining about being so dependent on others, and how I seem to have lost myself. It seems at this point in time, I want to just bury that feeling deeper and deeper into my selflessness.

What I mean to say is that I'm attempting to be more independent, and regardless of what happens, I want to be ultimately responsible for myself. I want to create a relationship in which there's no reason to complain, no reason for arguments. If I have to hide my emotions, I will. I'm willing to be the stronger person. I'll find different outlets so they don't all come out at once. Suffering is a part of life, and it drives creativity and determinism.

I'm determined. Who knows how I'll feel in a week. The mind is a fickle thing.

"Other" mothers, lovers, sisters, friends

Alex and I watched Coraline last night as our appreciation of Valentine's day. Although we both had work all day, it was nice to spend the evening together. He even got me flowers! I love when he does that, and it makes me appreciate him even more. Coraline was dreamy, especially in 3-D. The details had me in awe, and I found myself with quick breaths and sighs and hums of excitement as the movie progressed. Consciously, it was almost scary. I'm not sure how my 3 year old niece was able to watch it without any fear, but I think when you're at that age, you can relate more closely to the main character. You don't necessarily think of the consequences and the background of the story. oh sweet innocence...

Today we'll be attending the Valentine's Day Love Jam with old school artists like Heatwave, Peaches & Herb, Evelyn "Champagne" King, etc. Throughout my life, I feel like this genre of music has stayed with me, has always kept my attention in one way or another. It's something I never get tired of.

I have been drinking wine today, and it's only 1:00 PM. I feel good, and happy. I video chatted with my sisters last night, and they were drinking wine too. I think as a family, we're growing closer and closer. It's a nice feeling. I love them as much as those fat kids love their cake. and they get to eat it too.

Polka dots on the edge of the spikes

This semester is my final test on the road to a bachelor's degree. I'm excited for it, but I'm also going to be pooped out by it. In terms of managing time, it's not that I can't, I just don't have the time to do absolutely everything I need to do, yet still get enough sleep and energy to continue it the next day. This continuum of sleeplessness is going to get the better of me, but definitely not the best.

Since I had the morning off today, I decided to make Alex some lunch. I naturally enjoying making lunch and cooking for him, but I'm a little disappointed in the turnout of my creation. He wanted fried rice with chicken and spam, and I overcooked the rice =(. I'm usually not a bad cook, but sometimes, rice just gets me. That's what I get for not eating it that much.

I'm also baking some cupcakes and a mini-cake for Josh and the box office. After last night's stressful shift, I feel that everyone deserves a little treat. There are people who work so hard in there, and people who don't give a shit. I really appreciate the people there, and I'm grateful for them because of their uniqueness. Talking to Brad at Sunset made me appreciate them even more.

Yesterday, I was yelled at by customers so many times. It almost got to me, but I took a deep breath, and resumed the polite banter I usually do with guests. It's not fair to take it out on others if one person gives me a hard time. My manager also commented on how I never ask for help, and I don't think it's something I like doing. It just felt good to hear him say it. Over the last couple years, he's grown into a bigger brother for me, and that's something that keeps me sane there at the box office. He's one of the few who actually notices my work, and appreciates it.

The year is leading up to various different checkpoints in my life, and I don't want to think about the aftermath just yet. I just want to bide my time. See how things turn out. My determinism refuses to wane.

I'm in this for the long haul.

abysmal

I've lost myself in the abyss of this life. I look forward to solitude lately, rather than socializing. It's not a bad thing, but I've become so closed up that my confidence has begun to wane.

3 more months.