My life as a marathon

The holidays have been hectic, and so time consuming, but I don't regret a single moment of it. This has been my year of blessing, and as I am on the verge of graduating, I want to prepare myself mentally, emotionally, and physically for what the world holds for me out there.

I had a welcoming family gathering on Christmas day, and while I didn't get to spend as much time with Alex as I wanted to, it made me remember how much I love him. I went out to different clubs with friends and it was such a reunion in so many different ways. Of course, you can't please everyone, and I didn't truly see every single person I wanted, it was more than enough to keep me busy for a straight week.

Secret Santa with friends. Secret Santa with coworkers. White elephant with family. So many wonderful gifts from Alex and his family! I feel so spoiled, and I'm so grateful for that.

Dave's potluck was fantastic. Joyous melodies, tons and tons of food, and good cheer. This was the reunion of my life. Absolutely everyone brought food, and it was real food, not some cheap store bought food. Everything was homemade and full of personal effort. Mark brought out his photo equipment and we had a mini photoshoot with all the friends. It's moments like these that make me remember just exactly who I am.

I bought my last pack of cigarettes today. Forever. I'm going to the gym with Alex in an hour so I can lose this holiday weight. I ate so much good food. I spent so much time with my beautiful niece. I never got to see Jaycie, but that's okay.

I get new year's eve off, and work late new years day. Things are definitely looking up for me this new year. I need to remember to maintain my composure, my convictions, and most of all, my passion and zeal for life. This is my moment and I want to reveal myself to the world.

Fahrenheit

In my last post, I touched on the fact that I don't feel as artistic or creative as others, but there is one thing that I absolutely love doing. I love cooking. I know many people feel the same way, but I absolutely adore presentation. Converting from an omnivore to a pescatarian is difficult. Whenever I buy vegetables, I have to make sure I either eat them quickly, or dispose of them when they go bad. You can't buy in bulk and expect not to eat more than usual.

Today I made some mini cheesecakes. I enjoy doing motherly things. I enjoy cleaning, and cooking, and taking care of people. I'm making tons of mini-cheesecakes but I'm definitely not going to eat them all. I think about 4-5 times a year, I bring some baked goods to work. I just like having people eat my food, and enjoying it. It's a way to make other people happy. I should refrain from eating it myself though.

Being with Alex, I'm learning to be a lot more frugal. This Christmas excluded, because I'm in the mood for giving. I have my creative streaks. I'm creative for the sake of others, but not for myself.

December already?

I have spent an inordinate amount of time NOT updating this. No one knows it exists yet, but that's okay. I'm working on it. There are so many things that have happened to update about, but I don't think I will. It's time to look forward. No more looking at the past, but the present, and what it can do for my future.

I just turned 23, and I just finished my Fall semester as a Senior in college. It is time to relax, and take my mind off of things.

Goals:
- Eat more vegetables. Way more vegetables. and lay off the cheese.
- Exercise. and Yoga.
- Meditate
- Listen to all those albums I have yet to listen to.
- Work on me

I have spent 11 of the last 12 months as a pescetarian. It's too difficult for me to give up on seafood, but I have given up on eating land animals. I'm even working on ridding my diet of dairy and even eggs. It's expensive, and I tend to run out of ideas, but I think I just haven't been thinking hard enough, or creatively about how to do this.

Creativity. I think that's the key.

Dining in the Whale's Vagina

Last night Alex and I celebrated our 6 month anni with dinner at Todai. It's one of those all you can eat sushi restaurants in Mission Valley. Right underneath all the freeways. I always love going through that area because you can view the countless cars passing through.

All week I've thought about what I could get him for this special day, but I couldn't think of anything creative to do. I also didn't have enough time. There's never enough time.


Whenever I look at Jamie's photos, or at other friend's photos, I think of how much I'm missing out on. I don't have friends here like I do back home. I could try, but I just don't find that common interest. It saddens me to be so uninspired. The lack of creativity, of a muse, makes me somewhat depressed out here.

I need to find something beautiful. about myself. about my surroundings.


I can't see it.

Disturbia

For the first time in my life, my dream attempted to tell me something. Before I analyze this and decipher its cryptic message, I need to write it out before I forget.

First I had a dream that I got all of these spider bites, but it was only in my dream. My hand was swollen and bumps formed, even through the gauze I wrapped it up in.

The most disturbing part was the scene when I went to school. I had Ken drive me to the counselor's office and drop me off. I made my way through the maze that is school, stopping to say Hi to friends who were graduating. They were more like acquaintances, but I knew them well enough to say Hi. As I strolled to the counselor's office, I went straight to the receptionist and asked for Dr. Nu, stating the appointment we had. At that point, I did not feel important at all. I knew something was going wrong in this dream. Dr. Nu was on vacation. 3 days before school starts, he leaves for his vacation. Leaving me and my academic hopes and dreams in despair. I became desperate. I just needed any academic counselor to listen to me. To give me some advice. I told the receptionist my problem and all I know was that she wanted me to tell her. However, she started helping other people while I was spilling my guts about my academic worries. I remember saying something about how I'll be fine in my classes, I just want to know what to do. All of a sudden, she said I was getting ahead of myself, questioning my intellectual abilities. I never questioned my intellect so much as to think that I would fail. That's never been an option for me but....I got stuck at the last but.

Soon after, she told me that this was enough. I had to stop with my incessant chattering, and I was harassing her and she would get a restraining order against me. I was so angry. How can you insult someone in such a way and then call security on them for questioning their intellect and then question their sanity. I begged. Isn't there anyone who can help me? She sent me to another room, and it turned out to be counseling for those interested in ROTC or some facet of the army/military/navy/etc. She gave me a book of classes to look through. At this point, I saw some old friends from high school and fully explained my predicament and anger, yet all they did was say a simple hello. We met up with other friends and eventually all parted ways, not saying much, but I remembered a lot through their body language.

At that point, I wanted to go back to that woman and throw her book at her and say, "Here's your shit back. You've been absolutely no help at all. I fucking hate this place. I hate SDSU. "

I've never woken up with so much anger in my life.